LFL
by Kirishtu
Summary: Looking For Love… Xallion and Nph end up the guests of a monster while traveling the Dragonblight. Escape is a must, because no one wants to be in a bad place.


LFL... (or, Looking For Love... in a very bad place)

"Hey, Xallion?"

"Yeah?"

"Have I ever told you how much I hate you?"

Xallion twisted at the waist to look across the way at Nph. The blood elf hung awkwardly from his ankles, moving like a pendulum. His arms were folded across his chest, and he wore a very angry expression on his face. Of course, since he was upside down, the angry expression just looked comical. Nph's blonde ponytail swung side to side opposite the motion of his body. Of course, Xallion was much in the same position, so maybe Nph wasn't swinging, and it was Xallion who was.

"You didn't have to come," said Xallion. The troll shaman looked down at the ground below, then clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from puking.

"Of course I didn't. But you said "Hey, Nph, let's go to Dragonblight and try to find..." Shit, I don't even remember what it was."

"I don't either." Xallion wondered if all the blood had rushed to his head yet.

"So I came because, you know, it might be fun. And because I was bored."

"Are you going to tell me how much you hate me again?"

Nph glowered at him. "You decided to poke something that shouldn't have been poked."

"I thought it was dead!" Xallion protested. "How the hell could I know it was only sleeping!"

A rumble of thunder drowned out whatever Nph said next. Probably a good thing, because Xallion didn't think the words were anything nice. Of course, the thunder didn't come from anything nice, either.

Xallion manage to look up toward the sky, at the hulking thing that blotted out the sunlight. It was the same thing that was carrying him and Nph to their doom.

Massive tusks jutted out of a quasi-human face, but the creature was anything but human. A massive head rested on an equally massive neck; massive blue shoulders led down to massive muscled arms and to hands that were curled tightly around the legs of both blood elf and troll. A broad chest and torso led down to a bottom half that would've made any mammoth proud (or jealous, as the case currently was).

A magnataur.

So why were Xallion and Nph hanging like sides of beef from the magnataur's hands? Why hadn't either of them whipped out a weapon and fought their way free?

Xallion looked at the ground, easily two hundred (okay, maybe that was exaggeration) below and knew a fall from that height would definitely kill him. Even if he survived, he'd definitely be broken, and then more than likely trampled into a shaman pancake. Nph was in the same predicament, except he'd actually tried to defend himself and now was without sword and shield - and hearthstone. Those things were probably gnoll property by now. And even if they weren't, no one would see the items and decide, "Hey, maybe I should find who owns these." No, they'd decide to keep and/or sell them. So unless the two of them got extremely lucky, they would definitely end up as a snack for their magnataur captor.

The giant bull was striding across the frozen wasteland like a dragon streaked across the sky. Xallion had no idea where he was taking them, but he doubted it was for tea and crumpets.

"So how are we gonna get out of this?" Nph demanded.

Xallion shrugged. "Scream like little girls and hope someone hears us?"

Nph's green eyes turned to green embers as he glowered at Xallion. "I was thinking maybe you could shoot a ball of fire at his face."

"We're a hundred feet up in the air."

"And?"

"Right. I forgot. You have a bubble."

Nph grinned.

Xallion frowned. "So why don't _you_ do something?"

"You got us into this!"

"You can damn well help us get out!"

The magnataur roared, making their heads ring. The roar echoed and re-echoed across the tundra, and Xallion and Nph stared at each other in horror. The roar had been answered. Now they began to struggle, not caring if they plummeted to their doom. Anything was better than becoming magnataur snacks. Of course, their struggles did nothing but annoy their captor, and a few shakes was all it took before both Xallion and Nph turned their external fight into an internal one. Neither wanted puke in their hair, after all.

Minutes later, the bull magnataur stomped into a huge cave. It smelled rank. There was rotting meat in one corner and a giant pile of improperly cured skins in another. There was blood on the floor and walls, and bones were scattered everywhere.

"You know, I might've been comforted a little if there were, you know, bones our size." Nph said.

Xallion stared at him. The blood elf paladin shrugged.

The bull stomped his way to a pair of boxes. They looked like cages. There was blood and rust coating them, and Xallion felt his skin crawl just looking at them.

The magnataur dropped them into a cage each, then latched the doors.

"Oh, Thrall's balls, what the _fuck_ did I just land on?!" Xallion shrieked as something squishy and wet sank into his robes.

"Probably-"

"Shut up."

Nph looked out between the bars of his cage. "How many legs are magnataurs supposed to have?"

Xallion cursed loud and long as he tried to scrape the gooey whatever from his backside. "Four. Why?"

"Uh, because from my angle, he has five."

Xallion looked in the magnataur's direction... and the blood drained from his face. He looked at Nph, who looked a little green. "We need to get the hell out of here."

"No shit. Got any plans?"

_Think, Xallion, think._ Xallion stared at the magnataur's fifth leg and shuddered. He'd rather be facing down Garrosh for the umpteenth time than facing _that_. He kept staring at the magnataur's swinging tree trunk and then it dawned on him.

"The hell are you doing?" Nph hissed, his face two shades too pale. The cages shook as the magnataur turned toward them. "Xallion? Xallion!"

"Shut up and cover your stupid pointy ears!"

Nph didn't get a chance to question the shaman - or curse him for the ears comment. Xallion grabbed hold of two totems from his pack and threw them with all his strength toward the magnataur.

The first totem to hit the ground and spring up was Xallion's earthbind totem. The magnataur looked stupefied to discover he couldn't move his legs an inch. The second totem to hit the ground was Xallion's fire elemental totem. The fire elemental spawned exactly where Xallion wanted it to be, and without even needing to be told what to do, the fire elemental looked up -

- and launched a fiery salvo right at the magnataur's most defenseless area.

A shriek escaped the bound magnataur that put the Banshee Queen's to shame. Xallion poured every bit of energy he could into the earthbind totem until he simply couldn't sustain it anymore. Not that it mattered; his fire elemental had more than done its job. The magnataur bull - if it was still proper to call it that - was a burned, smoking mess on its underside. Paralyzed by unimaginable pain, the magnataur's knees buckled and he crashed to the cavern floor.

Nph stared at the fallen beast, then slowly turned to look at Xallion. The troll shaman just stared back, then finally said, "There was no way in the name of everything we consider holy _that_ was going _there_."

"You... you burned it off!"

"It wouldn't have worked. Physics, you know."

"You _burned it off!_"

Xallion took a breath - and turned green. "Let's get the hell out of here."

Nph gaped at Xallion for a moment longer. "I can't believe you did that."

Xallion grabbed hold of the cage's bars and pulled on the most rusted-looking one. "I really don't wanna do it again."

Taking the hint, Nph began pulling on the bars of his own cage. It took them both the better part of an hour to get free, during which they kept glancing at their fallen captor and the cave mouth.

Xallion and Nph crept toward the mouth of the cave, avoiding the magnataur's underside. Just before they passed the magnataur completely, Nph paused.

"What are you doing?" Xallion hissed.

Nph crouched and dug around in a pile of bones before he managed to find an old, blood-crusted knife. "Well," he started, moving to the magnataur's flank, "Schio always said there was a magnataur out there with our names on it, so."

Xallion gaped. "And you think what I did was sick."

Nph stepped back to admire his work. He dropped the knife, satisfied. "Gotta prove the lady right."

"You do realize that carving our names with the words 'were here' into a magnataur's ass wasn't what she meant, right?"

"Well, yeah, but you know." Nph followed Xallion out of the cave. "It wouldn't have worked anyway. He was the size of a forest and we were so small. I get that magnataurs need love too, but he happened to look in a very bad place."

Xallion shook his head.

"Oh, and by the way. You owe me a sword. And a shield. And a hearthstone."

"How about I give you a box of chocolate instead?"

Nph glowered at Xallion. "It's Valentine's Day, you dragged me out here, got us kidnapped by a magnataur who wanted to do bad things to us - losing _my_ shit in the process - and you expect me to be okay _WITH A FUCKING BOX OF CHOCOLATES?!_"

Xallion flinched. "So, uh, about that healing shield you wanted..."

Nph took a deep breath. "Sword. Hearthstone."

"Right."

Nph took another deep breath. "You are the worst date ever, Xallion."

"Shut the fuck up."


End file.
